- I'm Struggling with Love -

When I was 14 I had my heart broken for the first time.
When I was 17 it happened again.
At 18 I had my trust in men shattered when someone I deeply cared about as a good friend took the trust I gave him away in the worst way imaginable.
And when I was 21, and had spent a few years working on myself and building back up my trust in men, I was finally ready to open up my heart again, yet once again it was shattered. After that it just seemed to happen again, and again and again.


It's been a while since I've written about anything to do with dating and my love life, or lack thereof; I just can't seem to find the right words.

For the past few months I've found myself in a weird state.
For a while it seemed like I would do anything to fall in love again. Going on dates most weekends was a normal thing for me, to the point where I could only discuss my would-be-boyfriends with my friends using nicknames instead of their actual names, because there were too many names to keep track of.
And I'm not joking, if I said to them "oh I'm going out with Matt tomorrow" their response would be "who?!", despite us having spoken about "Matt" several times.
"Matt, you know Matt....the one who works as a bartender!"
"Oh right, why didn't you just say "Bartender Guy"?!".
It was hilarious at the time.
But now? Now it's very different.
More recently I was asked out by someone I've known through texts and social media for over a year, but have never actually had the chance to meet up with in person. Even though we started to make plans I knew from the second I said yes that I had no intention of ever going through with it. And I didn't. The night before we were meant to go out I made up some stupid excuse on the spot (and by stupid I mean really stupid; I mean I told the poor guy I fell off a ladder...what is wrong with me?! If he's reading this, I'm sorry!). It's like I just didn't care.
And I've come to realise that I don't care; about relationships, about dating, about opening myself up again. It all just seems to feel like too much of an effort when I know exactly how it ends.
It's like a routine: man appears in my life; man tells me things I want to hear (like I'm the perfect woman and he's never met anyone like me before, I've heard it all); man makes me believe he's different to the rest of them; man gets what he wants; man leaves.
No explanation, no reasoning. Just gone, as if he never existed in the first place.
Sometimes there's not even a discussion, or a simple "I'm sorry, it's not working" text; I dated someone for a few months once, who I regularly saw and spent time with, and how did we end? He ghosted me! Like really, who the fuck does that to someone they supposedly care about?!
And let's not even touch on the "could be, maybe, is it what I think it is?" relationships. I mean can you even say you've been heartbroken by someone who didn't even realise they held your heart in the first place? I think I could be here all day discussing that (who knows I may write a post just focussed on that one day when I feel brave enough).

I've been through it too many times to count; I've seen so many friends of mine go through it.
It's never easy, but in every time I've personally experienced it something has changed in me.
At first it was hard; I felt like a hopeless, unlovable loser. I put together a Spotify playlist of music I could cry to, I went through several packets of tissues at once and yes, there were a few late night Maccas runs and chick flicks binged over bottles of wine on my couch at 3am.
But now? Now is a much different story...I can easily pick myself up and move on, as if the person who had only just been the subject of my affections in the days before had never even existed.
And after much thought and self-assessment, I think I've finally figured it out.

You want to know my secret?
I'm always heartbroken.
I live and have been living in an eternal state of being heartbroken; where I'm so familiar with the feeling it's almost like it never goes away.
It appears as soon as someone new enters my life, so instead of feeling a huge loss when they're gone, I feel indifferent. In my head, it was already expected.
From the second something with someone new starts it's like a timer on "us" starts too, and even though I really am trying my best not to pay attention to the incessant ticking noise it makes, I know it's there and I know it's running out; and fast. And then just as quickly as it began, the timer goes off and they're gone...but to me, it's like they were already gone before they were even part of my life in the first place.
I'm used to it now.
And because I'm used to it; because I constantly feel the sting of being heartbroken, maybe that's why I just don't have any interest in making it any worse by inviting someone new into my life. And when I do, I make sure they're not in it for very long.

I think I have trust issues too.
I can't trust people when they pay me compliments - because in my mind they're surely going behind my back to say the opposite.
I can't trust people when they show any interest in me - because in my mind it's just because they're trying to be nice, right? They're not actually interested at all.
I can't trust people when they say they like me - why? Because whenever someone has said that in the past they were lying.

Not only do I struggle with this, I also tend to think the worst about men.
It's always about what they can get from me, what they can go back and boast to their friends about, what notch on their bed post I become. I have this fear that I've ended up a massive joke to all of the men I've dated in the past; someone that they can bring up from time to time for a laugh with their mates, when really, they didn't know me; they didn't even give me a chance.

But I don't know if it is trust issues; or if it's the fact that I've been through it so many times before, therefore I'm able to notice the patterns quickly and stop it before it even gets the chance to hurt me.
I don't know if it is me protecting myself, or me pushing people away before they've even had a chance to show me they might be different.

Whatever the case may be I know it's something I need to work on. I can't keep pretending that it's normal to basically not even give someone new a chance, just because I've been disappointed and hurt in the past.

Because deep down I know it's just a facade; that underneath the tough, confident, "I'm so not interested in men right now" shell that I have going on at the moment, I'm still just that same girl, going on all those dates, who wants to be loved. Who wants someone to look at me and think the world of me. Who wants laughter and fun and intimacy. Who wants someone that will lay in bed with me late at night when it's storming outside and talk about the most random things until we can't keep our eyes open anymore. I want someone who truly understands me for me, and will accept me for my strengths and my weaknesses; who'll look at me, with all my flaws and say "I love you anyway" (which totally sounds like something Mr Italy would've said, but still...not him!).

The other day I remembered back to an old episode of Sex and the City, where Carrie dedicated one of her books to Charlotte, saying "to my friend Charlotte, the eternal optimist, who always believes in love". In all the time I've watched that show I always thought I was more of a Carrie, but I guess at heart, I'm a Charlotte; and no matter what I've gone through, no matter what I continue to go through, I will always believe in love.
I hate sounding so sceptic about it because I know it's real, I've felt it before, and while it didn't last a lifetime it was still the most incredible, beautiful feeling in the world.

I really do believe that there's someone out there for me; maybe I already know him, maybe I don't, but until he appears and sweeps me off my feet I need to be easier on everyone.
Not only on myself, but on men I could potentially date.

If I keep holding onto these fears and feelings nothing's ever going to change, and even when I do meet someone amazing I'll just end up shutting down and pushing them away. I'll end up hurting them before they get the chance to do it to me. It's not fair on them to be painted with the same brush as all the men of my past, and it's not fair on me to not give myself a chance at finding something good.
I need to let go of those who have hurt me badly, thank them for the lessons and what they've taught me about myself, and forgive them for the pain (yes, even the guy who ghosted me deserves a little forgiveness here).

It isn't easy, and it's not just going to magically solve itself overnight.
But I know once I let go I will open myself up to so much more; in letting go of the past I'm opening myself up to a beautiful future, filled with all the love in the world.

To anyone who is feeling like they can relate to any of my feelings, even in the slightest, know you're not alone; and you are a brilliant, strong, fierce, beautiful person who deserves the world.
Even though we've been hurt in the past, it doesn't mean everyone we let into our lives will hurt us. Some of them will, and those are the lessons that you need to learn. They suck, God do I know they suck, but you ARE going to be ok...
Because the one....the one....that one person that's out there for you; they won't ever make you feel unloved or unsure, and you'll know. You'll look at them and think damn, how lucky am I to be loved by you?!

And once more, until my Mr Right eventually turns up, I'm going to keep on loving me, and you should love you too, because as the great RuPaul says "If you can't love yourself how in the hell you gonna love somebody else, can I get an Amen up in here?!"