Have you ever had the kind of conversation where you're dying to open up and let a whole bunch of emotions out and just vent and cry a bit, but because you're so afraid of what the other person would think or worried that you'll just annoy them your emotional wall rears its ugly head and you just say something along the lines of: "It's ok, I'll be fine, I'm just overreacting"..?
Yep, thought so.
It's no secret that I've suffered my fair share of trauma; mental, emotional, physical, some of which I've never even mentioned on this blog before (all in due time, I'll get there when I'm ready). I've loved and lost, I've grieved, I've been torn down time and time again and as a result standing up tall right in front of me is a great big wall.
It's not literal, obviously; there are no bricks or concrete blocks, rather an enormous amount of emotional protection.
This wall is my safety.
I meet people all the time. I talk to them, I joke with them, I get to know them, I hesitantly make plans with them (hesitantly because I'm convinced they're just doing so to be nice and that no one actually wants me around them) and sometimes (most times) cancel said plans.
I'm afraid of rejection and being hurt but I never ever express this. I'm sarcastic as fuck but most of the time it's all an act. I withdraw from situations or people because in my mind it's easier for me to do so than have them hurt me. I take days to reply to messages and texts and even avoid opening them (literally I avoid my messaging apps when I get notifications) because I'm afraid that right there is the exact message where that person is telling me they want nothing to do with me anymore.
It's unfortunate that after being hurt a person's automatic response is to bring out that wall for protection, in preparation for any potential, yet at that stage completely hypothetical, hurt in the future; ensuring that with each new painful experience the layers keep building and building until you're in a position where literally nothing can get past them, under them, over them. Nothing. You're stuck behind it and there's some serious work to be done if you want to tear them down.
So why do people build these walls? It's simple really; because we're tired.
We're tired of giving so much of ourselves to people and not getting anything in return. We're tired of letting people in only for them to throw it back in our faces and get up and leave, as if we were nothing. We're tired of opening up only to be completely rejected in return. We're tired of believing and hoping that the next time things will be different and that we'll find our people, only for the vicious cycle to repeat once more.
We're tired of people leaving, so we get used to being alone and convince ourselves we're ok with that.
In short, it's fucking exhausting.
It's the easiest form of defence mechanism a person can establish in order to ensure that they are protected and making sure that they don't end up hurt....again.
And I'm not even just talking about romantic relationships; it's the same with friendships, work colleagues, business collaborators...anyone that seems to show an interest in your life. The second someone new walks into your life they are faced with a guarded version of yourself.
Let's travel back in time a few years ago for a quick storytime, shall we? And no this is not a story about an ex-boyfriend. My breakups have sucked. I've had my heart broken a few times and while no doubt they've contributed to my emotional shield (and those stories will be told one day), I feel like this little story may have been the tipping point for me.
When I was 19 one of my oldest and dearest best friends one day up and left me, with no reason behind it at all, and to this day I still don't really know what happened. There was no falling out, no harsh words spoken, no disagreements or fights. One day she was just simply not part of my life anymore.
We had been friends for the majority of our primitive shaping years, and had been through so much together that when she left, and after everything else I had already been through in the years before
I secluded myself further from the rest of our friends and convinced myself that I couldn't possibly be hurt anymore because I was in charge, and that was ok; I was ok.
Spoiler: I wasn't.
Every other time before that when someone left and I was once again hurt I persevered and kept going because in my mind it could only get better, right? But with each of those times the walls started to build up their foundations.
And then my best friend, my own best friend; someone who had been there through thick and thin, who'd seen me at my best and my worst, someone that I really believed was my person for life, left. As though I was nothing but a blip in her life.
By the time we no longer spoke my wall was well and truly established (and yes I just avoided using the word 'erected', this is a serious blog alright). It was solid and it wasn't going anywhere anytime soon, but I once again convinced myself that I was ok, and that I'd have a better chance of not being hurt anymore because of it.
But that mindset is so dangerous in so many ways, because when people come along that really care, or are really interested in having you as a part of their life the walls appear again and you push them away....I push people away.
Because here's the thing about emotional walls; they don't protect you. Yes they're high and yes you may think they're keeping you from being emotionally scarred further, but they're also keeping you trapped. They're making sure that yes, while you might not be getting hurt directly by other people, you're actually hurting yourself.
Making plans with people is hard for me because as I said before, in my mind I'm convinced that no one actually wants to spend time with me and are just suggesting to do so to be nice, when in actual fact I probably couldn't be more wrong.
Now I go out and do all kinds of thing with my friends. We go on brunch dates, watch gigs, go on bar crawls and attend parties, but all the while I suffered the anxiety that I was an annoyance to them and that secretly they didn't like me at all.
There have been times where I've wanted to go out and see a movie or musical or literally just go eat lunch in a park and chill, but haven't wanted to go on my own.
For anyone else it's so easy to chuck a friend a text to see what they're doing and ask them to join, but for me it's so difficult. In my mind they've already said no, so why even bother them with the suggestion. The feelings of past rejection, even in a situation as seemingly simple as this, all come bubbling up and in turn to make sure that doesn't happen I either do things alone or don't do them at all, and because of that I've missed out on countless movies, musicals, art exhibitions, events and experiences.
It's also my birthday coming up and yes, I would LOVE to go out and do something special, but I am so absolutely terrified that no one actually wants to be around me that I'm still on the fence about actually organising something, in fear that they'll just say no. The wall makes it easier because if I never ask, I'll never get rejected, right?
I feel like anytime I've been hesitant or just downright not responsive or inquisitive to people around me I've inevitably pushed them away, and if you're reading this and I have, I'm sorry.....and also come see a movie with me sometime?
Now anyone that's even had as much as a conversation with me knows, as I mentioned before, I'm one of the most sarcastic people you'll ever meet. Some may say a "sarcastic bitch" (and not even in a bad way, because I totally agree *facepalm*). I'm sarcastic to the point where I sometimes confuse people to the point where they think I'm being serious (again if I've ever called you weird or annoying I SWEAR I WAS JOKING AND I'M SORRY), and a lot of the time when I laugh a situation off with a joke people think that nothing bothers me and that it's a sign of confidence.
But what a lot of people don't know is that most of the time (and not all of the time, because let's be honest, some situations are just begging for a sarcastic comment), I really don't mean it. In many ways, sarcasm is all I have to ensure that I don't appear bothered by anything. It's giving the impression to people that I'm always alright, when in reality, I'm not.
I guess I want to portray myself as being strong and completely indifferent to difficult situations and make sure I don't seem needy or emotional. And while I know I'm strong in so many ways, in all honesty sometimes I just need to be a bit needy and emotional, and I need to learn that it's ok for me to be like that.
I need to understand that being an emotional person isn't a weakness; it's being human.
I need to realise that when people reach out and want to help, that's genuine. There's no hidden agenda behind them doing so, and the fact that they've reached out means that they're willing and wanting to listen.
I need to learn that not everyone is out to hurt me, or leave me, and that the people currently in my life, for all intents and purposes, are genuine and loving and want to help.
So what next?
I feel like there are five crucial steps which I can take, and which I'm hoping that some of you will also take if any of this has resonated with you.
Be honest: The first step is acknowledging the problem; realising that while in some situations it's ok to emotionally guard yourself, it can also be dangerous to your mental health and that having big, strong, indestructible walls is only a detriment to you. You may think that you are protecting yourself but really, you're further secluding yourself from living your life and letting people in.
Work on yourself and have patience: Tearing down a wall that's been up and solid for years is not an overnight task. You can't just say "ok, it's down" and move on. You're going to have your ups and downs, and that's ok. Once you can identify any past traumas that have contributed to having emotional guards it is so much easier to be able to work on yourself.
All of the bad energy and bad feelings that you have pent up need to be released in order for you to move on. There's no fast forward on this one; you need time to heal.
Do little things; take a walk and listen to music, write your feelings in a journal and burn the paper after (but just be fucking careful and safe on this one if you do it ok!), seek out a therapist, counsellor or healer if you need it, meditate; do whatever it is that resonates with you.
Forgive, let go and have faith: They say forgiveness sets you free, and I tend to agree. When my best friend and I were no longer friends I'll admit I resented her for a while, but in time I accepted that it was all over, and now, I feel nothing but love for her. I forgave her a long time ago, but I also let go of that relationship. I saw her once about a year ago when she was working and I was buying a new outfit for work. She served me and we had a little chat, and then we said goodbye and take care. As weird as it sounds it was the closure I needed; saying goodbye to her then was the goodbye I needed to finally walk away. I don't harbour any ill feelings or bad energy towards her; it was a fabulous friendship and she taught me so much, but that's over now and I wish her nothing but happiness in life.
I feel like once I did let go I opened myself up to so much more; I wasn't holding onto the past - I was opening myself up to my future.
Be open: Wanting to open up and talk about your feelings is NOT a sign of weakness, so don't ever be afraid that it is. When people are there willing to listen, tell them what's going on. Don't settle for a "It's ok, I'm fine, I'm just overreacting..." because chances are, you're not fine, and whoever it is that's willing to listen is also willing to help.
You're also not annoying someone by reaching out to ask if they'll listen to you, because if they really care about you, they will.
Let people in: God this one is so important. Even though you've been hurt by people in the past doesn't mean everyone will hurt you, and you shouldn't be afraid to let people in. Yes, there will be some people that come into your life for short periods of time, but those people bring lessons. Everything happens for a reason, and if people who once were, aren't in your life anymore it was always meant to happen that way. Be open to new people, new love and new life experiences; your light will shine a little brighter if you do. New love, be it platonic or romantic, will always heal old pain.
So now I know the work that I've got to put in, and I know in time it will get easier and my wall will slowly, but surely come down.
But to anyone out there struggling with their own wall just remember that "rain storms give way to rainbows, and without sadness you'd never know what it means to be happy..." - r.h.Sin.
Let the rain come down, because your rainbow is right around the corner, you just have to let it in.
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