This morning I forced myself to get out of my house and walk to a local café; to sit, drink, eat a muffin and write.
If I didn't force myself I would've probably spent the day on the couch, or on my bed...just existing.
As I sit now in the café with a hot cappuccino to the right of my laptop I'm looking around at all the people here too. Smiling, laughing, chatting away, and here I am, all alone.
One thing that I never really considered in the lead up to moving to Melbourne was how lonely it can get sometimes. I knew I would be moving alone, and would have to find my way on my own, but part of me was completely naïve to the realities of what it would really feel like.
Now I'm the kind of person that loves alone time, I relish in it in fact. When I lived at home I spent hours upon hours wishing everyone else would go out so I could spend an hour or two on my own.
But now, I find myself alone all the time. Hours upon hours wishing I had people around me.
The year just passed I spent my first Christmas ever alone. On Christmas Eve while my family were together for the annual Thatcher family dinner I stood in my kitchen, stirring pasta sauce and trying my hardest not to breakdown in tears every five seconds. My family called me from the dinner all excited to talk to me but I just couldn't face talking to them all. They were so happy, and I was so.....not happy.
I woke up the next day, Christmas Day, at 11.45am. I dragged myself out of bed, made a coffee and Facetimed my family, where I sat and watched the three of them opening their Christmas presents.
I would never say it out loud but it broke my heart a little.
I should point out that right now, in the present, I've just had to put my sunglasses on because a few tears are escaping my eyes and I really don't want to look like a loon crying in a café, furiously typing away at my keyboard like a woman scorned by an ex lover or something along those lines.
When I first decided to move to Melbourne I was excited. It was going to be a new start for me. My best friend at the time already lived here and after being online pals for almost two years (thanks to a little obsession with Tumblr and a certain Italian popera group), I was sure that moving over would only solidify our friendship.
Oh how I was wrong.
Things just weren't meant to be there, but that's a story for another blog.
I even did something I swore to myself I would never do; I went on Tinder because I felt lonely, what a great idea that was....spoiler alert: it wasn't.
And I mean I have made some other friends too, I've been on a few dates, but at the end of every day I'm just in the exact same place..in my room, on my laptop, aimlessly staring at the screen, clicking from one tab to another, not really knowing what I'm doing, or what I'm looking for.
I guess you can say my previous history with depression might be slowly creeping back up on me, and while I'm doing everything I can to try and keep it at bay, sometimes I know that the smile I plaster on my face and the laugh I let out in front of others is just a facade, and what I'm feeling on the inside is anything but ok.
As much as I absolutely adore Melbourne, and I really really do, I ask myself at least fifty times a day whether or not I should just give in and go home for a while. This morning I even checked prices for flights.
I remember a scene from Jennifer Garner's movie Suddenly 30 where her character Jenna goes back to her childhood house for the first time in years, and sneaks into her parents' bed in the middle of the night just wanting a comforting cuddle from her mum, and I wish so badly I could do the same.
If you're a cuddler like me, sometimes you just need your mum's cuddles, or just anyone's cuddles really.
From what I know, what I'm feeling is completely normal. I've moved to a new city without my family or friends, I'm in a new house, I have new surroundings, a new job...I'm bound to feel like shit sometimes. Before I left I was even told that the 5-6 month mark post move would be the hardest..."You're going to feel like just giving up and coming home...but don't do it, don't give up, push through the pain, get out there and keep your chin up."...I've now been here for five months...and I know deep down that I won't let myself just give up, even if it does seem like the easiest option.
But right now, I guess, I'm just a little......lost....and that's really all I've got...
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